Preston Takes on Surgery

Written on July 30, 2021

I am sitting bedside at the hospital with baby boy as we await him going into the operating room. Yes, he’s having surgery and mom is starting to freak out just a little. Ok, a lot.  Meanwhile, Mr. Preston is busy telling me how comfy the bed is as if we are at a hotel and not a hospital. Last night we read his book The Day I Had Surgery and I’ve been counting down the days until surgery just to make baby boy feel a sense of ease but as usual he is completely fearless and I am, well I am being a mom.

We arrived to the hospital with Preston wearing a super hero cape and mask because they would give him the super powers he needed for surgery. When he asked to wear them, of course I agreed. Because, honestly what’s cuter than seeing kids in costume when it’s not Halloween? But his simple request was so much more. My son believed he had super powers and surgery was no match. Completely fearless. I strive for that. To be immediately confident when faced with the unknown; because honestly, what can we do about the unknown anyway?  

That’s motherhood. Learning lessons from our children when we thought we would be the ones teaching them. Offering up the best poker face to give strength and encouragement even when we are feeling the exact opposite inside. Constantly trying to figure out what to do and what to say. Because do any of us really know what we are doing anyway?

A prayer before surgery and one awkward walk with mommy trailing way too close to the moving hospital bed and just like that Preston was off to surgery….

Recovery

The first thing Preston did once awake was shake hands with the doctor. In the recovery room, he attempted to get a third Popsicle. I was prompted to expect a very sleepy child for the entire day but a few hours in and I’m questioning the doctor. Baby boy has been back to his normal self and I’ve been telling him to stop jumping over and over and over again. It’s as if surgery never happened; kids are resilient that way. And we made it, through something that seemed so difficult…..well at least to mommy.

As always, thanks for reading!

I’m so proud of you (Vacation in Montego Bay, Jamaica)

I recently vacationed in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Now, I won’t lie and say I wasn’t initially nervous. Mom guilt set in heavy and I was concerned with being away from my son for 6 whole days (the longest I had  ever been away from him). But this vacation was so needed and daily FaceTime calls made it easier. This trip was filled with laughs, good food (the oxtails!), good music and good people. My cousins and I had the most fun when we ventured off of the resort to shop, eat, roller skate and even play dominos with the locals. Every day was time in the pool and on the beach, we even went snorkeling, and my skin is still peeling from my tan. But, Jamaica was about more than relaxation. Jamaica was needed for reflection, for me to be reminded of just how blessed I am and just how much I have to be proud of. As I sat on the plane headed back to the states, looking out the window, someone must have started cutting onions because tears formed in my eyes. I thought about where I am currently and how different it is from where I was not long ago. I was filled with pride and here’s why…

Ability to Travel

At the end of my divorce, being able to run a household and still having the luxury of doing things such as traveling, seemed completely farfetched, impossible even. How would I afford it? How would I arrange for childcare? But, it was possible. Now, it definitely took sacrifice and financial planning, but possible nonetheless. Family vacations, girl trips and even baecations don’t end at divorce or with life changes. You owe it to you and as a mom to your children to experience new places and new cultures.

New Body, New Confidence

For the first time in what seems like forever, I felt comfortable in not only my swimsuits but every single outfit I wore in Jamaica. The tops were cropped and I felt great about it. Weight loss this time around has been so much more meaningful. It has taken place during the period of me falling in love with myself and appreciating the skin I am in. All of it. This confidence is constantly being displayed through each aspect of my life and I love it.

If we are honest, we often forget to be grateful and to thank God for our blessings. Even more often, we forget to be proud of us and to celebrate what we’ve accomplished.  Accomplishments aren’t always huge events, some days your greatest accomplishment will be getting out of bed and choosing to face the day. Celebrate yourself still. No one knows better than you, how much you have to be proud of, so don’t forget to recognize it all. Your deserve it !

As always, thanks for reading! Follow me on Instagram (instagram.com/tiffini.tierra) for great vacation pictures and videos!

Happiness Is Not a Destination : Your Happily Ever After Is Now

Recently someone told me I looked great so I quickly thanked them and assumed they were talking about my weight loss (33 lbs and counting). But they interjected and said “no you look happy” and since that compliment I’ve been really thinking about happiness. Obsessing about it really. I realize I’ve always defined happiness as a destination. It’s been a lot of once I graduate and settle into my career, I’ll be happy. Once I’m married, I’ll be happy. Once I’m a mom, I’ll be happy. Once I’m a homeowner, I’ll be happy. But, treating happiness as a destination can lead to one of two places. 1) Disappointed, if the happiness we were banking on never came or just not how we imagined it would and/or 2) Complacent, where we stop striving for anything more past destination happiness. I am sure, I don’t like either. 0 stars out of 5. Wouldn’t recommend.

Society teaches women from the time we are just girls that there is a magical happy ending to achieve (most involving a man). We watch countless characters who spend their entire lives trying to obtain this happily ever after. Shape their entire existence on an idea of what may be instead of focusing on what is. Girl. Don’t be a character live your happily ever after now. Like right now !

There is such a freedom in being able to find happiness every day with things as simple as making your favorite breakfast or spending time at your favorite place. I have learned to start appreciating everything and I mean everything (still a work in progress). I have started offering myself praise and compliments and lately your girl has been feeling herself. I have started respecting my choices, my boundaries, my body and my mental health. I’ve decided to live with intention and as cliche as it seems, live each day as if it was the last. And these are just some of the things that have proven to make me happy.

While there are always things I want to achieve and always things to fulfill me, I know those things are ever changing. Things that would have made me happy last year may not this year. And that’s ok, because if you aren’t changing you aren’t growing. As we grow, we define what happiness looks like to us. Not to our parents, significant others or friends, but to us. No one gets to define your happiness sis.

Be happy today, there’s no need to wait until tomorrow. I promise you can find something worth being happy for in this moment. Do you have it in your head? Great.

As always, thanks for reading !

When did this happen?!……..Mommy to a 4 year old

Last night, for the second night in the row, my son did not sneak into my room. I woke up throughout the night and had actual space to stretch out. No foot in my face or anything. And ok, I know we bought the big boy bed. And, I know we had the conversation about how him sleeping in his bed all night would help him charge his powers (superheroes are big in my household, don’t judge me). But it’s been two nights! Now it is starting to hit me. My baby is growing up.

Four years ago, at this time, I remember being soooo excited to meet baby boy. My mom was ironing on letters to make Team Preston shirts while I was triple checking my hospital bag. It had been 3 long trimesters of feeling this little person grow inside of me and imagining how he would look and even who he would become. Now let’s be honest, the idea of giving birth was nerve wrecking and scary but those feelings faded quickly. But then, there was discharge day when I realized I had to actually take this baby home and care for it. Would I be a good mom? Would maternal instincts just kick in? Would I actually use the baby blender to make all of his baby food? Yup! And more.

Today, I am the mother of an amazing 4 year old who is affectionate, kind, well mannered, has an amazing and interesting vocabulary and for his birthday all he asked for was to go to the park (could have saved money on Lego land honestly). Sometimes I look at him, knowing he has no idea how many days he has saved me. How many times, life got way too tough but I refused to give up because I knew I had to make him proud. I remember hearing his small voice ask if I was ok as if he knew the times when I wasn’t. One of the best compliments a mom can receive is for her child to tell her she is the “best mommy” and he makes sure to do just that even when it’s just to stay up past bedtime.

Happy 4th Birthday Preston! I pray each year of your life is better than your last. I pray we always remain close and that I become nothing short of your best friend or at least second to Spider-Man. I pray you always get as excited to spend time with me although I know right around pre teenage years that will be asking for a lot. I am so grateful for the presence my baby boy has been in my life, and how he has changed me for the better. You make being a mom easy kid. He can’t read just yet but wish my baby boy, my Gemini (in every single way) a Happy 4th Birthday!

Mommy Loves you Preston James ! Thanks for being my super hero!

Butterflies or Warning Signs? (Reasons you are dating the same person in a different body)

Let’s talk about the butterflies. Romance movies and novels teach us to believe the only way to know if we like/love a person is if we get that special feeling in our stomachs. The butterflies. Far too often we go into each new relationship in search of that feeling. But what happens when we become just consumed with the idea of finding those butterflies? They become our main focus, and somewhere during our hunt for butterflies we may become blind to warning signs.  Sis, those aren’t butterflies, those are warning signs with pretty wings.

New relationships are exciting, as they should be. The journey of learning someone new and asking lots and lots and lots of questions is how we attempt to find a deeper understanding. But in the midst of us completing questionnaires, we sometimes find similarities with Mr. New and Mr. No Longer. Something about how they make us feel, how they handle situations or even their relationship with their mama feels way too much like Déjà vu. We like it, because we’ve liked it before. But you are doing it again sis! You’re dating the same person, just in a different body and these may be a few reasons why:

Feels like home

It sometimes seems much easier to deal with someone familiar because it feels like you have a one up or a road map. You know how to navigate the situation, and you can make the necessary changes to accommodate right? No! That requires the changing of only you and you can’t afford to do that again. Please remember, nothing great is born from comfort and home feels like peace.

You’re a fixer

What is it about potential that is so attractive? If you are a fixer by nature, like me, this one is for you. More than likely, as a fixer, you have dated your share of fixer uppers. There is a deep desire to assist in contributing to someone becoming a better version of them even if they aren’t interested in doing so. With the need to always play the role of building up, we sometimes lose sight of focusing on us and find ourselves in a cycle of feeling unfulfilled and being in a role where we will always be in charge of pushing someone else to grow.

Same ol’ Same ol’

Sis, you are dating the same type of person continuously because you simply haven’t experienced anything different. You haven’t yet had someone to show you exactly why it hasn’t worked with your “type”. Realizing there is simply more than what you are accustomed to, is the first step to wanting better. Go on a date with someone you would normally never be interested in and thank me later.

Need vs Want

What you want isn’t always what you need. We can often create an entire list of the things we want in a partner but how often do we jot down what we need. Doing great amounts of self awareness work, helps us to discover the very traits of a partner that are needed for a relationship to bloom. Because we may want a partner who thinks in the way we do but we may very well need a partner that will challenge us.

Most of us have fallen victim to dating the same person over and over again and we may not have even realized we were doing it. But there is no time like today to break patterns. Remember everything that made Mr. No Longer be a part of your past, recognize all the things he did to make you feel good and when you see them in Mr. New, girl just RUN because those aren’t butterflies, those are warning signs!

Thanks for reading!

Blooming on Purpose

At the start of this year, I decided I would regularly buy myself flowers. I won’t say it was a resolution or that it even made it to my vision board. But, it has become a major part in me learning to become more intentional. I needed to learn to treat myself and do for myself, the things I had expected from others. I now understand how important even the small things are, if they bring any sense of joy. Not only does a beautiful bouquet make me smile, but it is teaching me not to be so impressed by the bare minimum. Because, girl, if we are honest, even that bare minimum in dating gets us caught up sometimes (but we will save that discussion for another time).

What I love about a nice bouquet is it being the specific combination and pairing of specific flowers. When a flower is chosen to be added to a bouquet, there is no need for it to yell out “pick me!” That flower is chosen because for that bouquet it is perfect. A flower’s main job is simply to bloom. To bloom through all outside circumstances. To bloom into the very best version of itself. A flower doesn’t need to prove its beauty or to compete; it just needs to bloom. A flower doesn’t stop blooming to accommodate. A lily can’t miraculously become a tulip, and why would it want to?

Look at you blooming sis! Blooming through it all. But it shouldn’t be a surprise right? Afterall, that’s what flowers do. And you sis, are a flower. Even on the days you find it difficult to bloom and during the times you can’t quite see and understand your beauty, you are a flower still. You are blooming on purpose and it looks good on you.

“Knowing is Half the Battle” (Things I wish I knew at the end of my marriage)

A few weeks ago, Facebook thought it was important to notify me of a special memory. This memory had received probably more likes than anything I’ve ever posted (and I have been on Facebook since the summer before going to college). Yes, that was 2007, and yes I am getting old. But anyway, the memory was a 4 year old picture of a very pregnant me and my now ex husband. Smiles from ear to ear as we held a SOLD sign in front of our new home. It was the announcement to our family and friends that we had become homeowners and we were growing as a family and couple.

A couple of years ago the very sight of such a memory would have had me front row on a complete emotional rollercoaster. I would have spent a lot of time traveling down the road of “what if” and took some turns at “should’ve”, “would’ve” and probably even “could’ve”. I’d be trying to make sense of it all, while still trying to maintain my faith, and sanity. The journey of separation and divorce is a process of grief. You grieve the end of something you imagined would be forever. You aren’t provided with a roadmap of how to work through it all. But now, having been through it, there are some things I absolutely wish I knew at the end of my marriage/relationship. Here are some cheat codes:

You have to feel all the feels

There is no shortcut through this process. There will be days when you feel perfectly fine and other days when you’d prefer to just stay in bed. It’s ok. You may need to cuss one day and cry the next. Do it. You are going to need to experience all these moments and to allow yourself to get through them. There is a new level of grace you will need to give yourself. Be patient with yourself on your bad days and don’t become frustrated. There is no time limit. There is no moment when you are supposed to just wake up and be fine. Your process can never be genuine if you aren’t true to what you feel. No fake healing sis.

Girl that’s not baggage, that’s experience!

Approaching the age of thirty, separated, and with a one year old (at the time) didn’t seem so appealing. And in the midst of one of my many pity parties, I remember thinking to myself who would want me with so much baggage. How would I be able to navigate it all? NEWS FLASH: They are going to want you but you will now have the experience and knowledge to choose what is best for you. You are absolutely wiser because of your experience. That’s not just any luggage girl.

No need to be embarrassed

There is absolutely no reason to be embarrassed. So you had a big wedding and everyone told you that you and your ex were couple goals. Ok. I can remember the level of anxiety I experienced with just changing my last name on social media, and avoiding certain conversations just out of fear that someone would ask a question about married life. Don’t waste another moment not being honest because you feel embarrassed and don’t feel rushed into expressing your truth before you are ready. Relationships end. Marriages end. You are not the first to get a divorce and you most certainly will not be the last.

You are going to need your village….don’t do this alone

So remember the village we discussed in the last blog post? (If you haven’t read it, be sure to check it out). You are going to need that village. Villages aren’t only for raising children but for allllll support. And girl, understand not everyone can be included in your village. You need those who help build and speak into your life, and it may not always be who you expect. Allow those you trust to offer emotional support, because you will need it. Members of your village are going to try to get you out of the house and call more often. Let them. Connect with those who have experienced divorce, support groups if that’s your thing. Try therapy! Therapy is a great way to unload all you are feeling and to work through it all with someone who doesn’t know you or your ex. There is a tremendous amount of shedding and growing you will be doing and having support in doing so is everything. Shout out to my amazing village!

While grieving the end of my marriage, I wish I understood the importance of just allowing myself to sit in my emotions. Wish I had understood that talking to others didn’t mean I was being a burden but just needed to talk it out. Wish I was brave enough to not be so embarrassed about something far more normal than I knew at the time. Wish I knew the very thing that felt like baggage was just bags of experience. But now I know and “knowing is half the battle”.

Thanks for reading!

Ain’t No Hood Like Single Motherhood (4 things all single moms should remember about navigating motherhood)

My son had a tantrum today. He had a full blown tantrum and I’m not even sure he knows why. It was something about Ironman or Spiderman….one of those men. Either way, it was about the third meltdown of the day while I was working from home. For a moment, I looked to the left for some type of assistance, relief, just for someone to take over for a bit. But, then I remembered and I’m pretty sure I said aloud, “It’s just you sis”.

Few of us go into motherhood believing we will be single mothers. But life happens and things change. But the one constant, the one thing that won’t ever change is that a mother will always be a mother. There is an undeniable strength of a single mother and although this strength may be fueled some days by complete exhaustion, it is strength nonetheless. As a single mother, you journey through the unfamiliar territory of raising a child, and you do it mostly alone. You handle the day to day routine and sometimes you forget how impressive it all is. But sis, there are four things I hope we never forget as  single moms.

Always remember……..

You are a family

It’s tempting to feel as a single mom, you and your child or children could never be a complete family. Honestly, I think far too many mothers stay in relationships just out of the fear that the idea of family will be broken (but that’s a whole different conversation for another day). Sis, remember that family isn’t an idea and it certainly isn’t those pictures that come in the picture frame when you buy them. Family is safety. Family is love. Family is sacrifice. Family is patience. Family is dedication. A single mom goes above and beyond to give these things on a daily basis. Single mama, you set the tone and the standard of what family is in your home.

Remember………

 “Comparison is the thief of joy”

Traveling photos of couples with their children fill your social media timelines. Cute videos of family dances are all over Tik Tok. Maybe, traveling isn’t as attainable or just requires a bit more saving in a one parent household. Don’t let the idea of having to do things differently lead you to believing they are not as great. Sis, it is far too easy for us to feel we aren’t giving enough to our children, based on what we see around us. Give time and create memories. Your children will be thankful, no matter where those memories take place.

Remember………….

You can’t pour from an empty cup

Please remember single mom, you can’t give to your child, what you do not have. Mommy guilt is real. We are constantly feeling we are not doing enough or not doing what is best. We are so use to being everything for our children that we often feel guilt when taking a moment for us. But you need that moment sis! You need a few of those moments. Go out with the girls or use that yoga mat you bought which has been just sitting in the closet. It is imperative to be sure you are ok, mentally, physically, and spiritually so that you are able to pour into your children. Your child deserves the best you. You deserve the best you.

Remember…………..

It really does take a village

I know you have it under control. You are strong and independent but you are also human. Please remember to surround yourself with people you trust to help out. Reach out to other mothers and set up play dates (the ones with wine involved). Have open and honest conversations, and ask for help when you need it. Like really, ask for help. Allow your village to invest in the life of your child, create additional sets of eyes to catch things you may not. Build community.

Mother’s Day is coming. And although you may not get flowers and gifts (because children are broke LOL), you most definitely deserve to be celebrated. Single mama, you are playing dual roles and you are doing your thing. You had absolutely no idea how to take on this role but look at you, doing it so effortlessly. I see you. I feel you. I am you. And we are amazing. Ain’t no hood like single motherhood. Happy Mother’s day!

A letter to Us

 

Sis,

Grow on your own. Stop waiting for a relationship and someone to grow with; although I know the idea of a power couple seems amazing. But first, you have to cultivate and grow YOU. Is it possible that you keep losing yourself in every relationship because you haven’t yet figured out who you are? Date yourself sis, and take yourself to dinner. Romance yourself; buy your own damn flowers, the lilies just because you loved the way they smell. Invest in your self care. Work on your goals. Secure your bag. Travel, or whatever you see fit.  Be true to what you like and don’t you dare apologize for what you don’t. Look at yourself in the mirror and point out the things you love. Fall in love with yourself. Fall hard. Fall in the ways you have fell for men that weren’t half as worth it. Because, I promise you are worth it, sis. Be the version of you that you are to others but this time to yourself. Be patient with yourself because you always give chances. Get to the place that you are so in love with yourself that you honor yourself. Become so grown that no one can offer you less than what you deserve. Let your relationships only add to the greatness you’ve grown into. You can’t afford to go into another situation half grown; you can’t lose yourself again.

-Tiffini

 

The New Normal

Ok. How are you?…..really, how are you?

Me? Well, Nigerian movies have become my favorite category on Netflix. Walking has become therapeutic. I’ve been a guest at a wedding and even happy hour on Zoom and FaceTime. Working from home with a toddler has tested patience I never knew existed and at this point, if I forget my mask, whatever I needed outside wasn’t that important. 

I can’t count the number of conversations or debates I’ve taken part in (and sometimes started) in an attempt to make sense of this new normal. The reality was that no amount of talking, avoiding or adult tantrums (yes, because my favorite taco bar is still closed) would change what we are all experiencing. We were forced out of our daily routines. We’re trying to adjust accordingly. Nonetheless adjustments are necessary; no matter how uncomfortable or scary they may be.

Take a moment to think about the greatest lesson you’ve learned. You have it in mind? Ok, now take a moment to think about how frustrating and confusing things were before you learned that lesson. Imagine if you had never made it through that moment. But you did, thank God, and now you have a story to tell.

I am excited to share my stories. When we share, we build community. There is always someone that has been just where you are at this moment. We learn from one another when we share and we realize that there is almost nothing we are going through or have been through that someone else hasn’t. We learn that the new normal isn’t scary at all, it’s just that: something new.

What to Expect

It’s important to me that I color a bit out of the lines in this space; so you can expect to journey through the good, bad and even the ugly of adulthood, parenthood, relationships, culture and faith. This is not a place for experts but it is a place for truth and experience.

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