I Hate Co-Parenting ! (4 Ways to Deal With the Joys of Co-Parenting)

I will not hate co-parenting.

I will not hate co-parenting.

I will not hate co-parenting.

Well that worked just as much as it did in 3^rd grade. Not at all. And I know hate is a strong word but imagine having a romantic relationship or a marriage with a person you had issues communicating with, issues trusting and sprinkle some disrespect in there for the hell of it. Now, imagine ending that relationship, but still having to engage with said person often and forever. That’s co-parenting. I’ve had to constantly put my child first when making every decision, being the bigger person when I’d sometimes prefer to be petty. That’s co-parenting. I’ve attempted to mesh two totally different parenting styles, values, and morals, and most times been unsuccessful. But, hey, that’s co-parenting. And yes, I know there are some amazing co-parenting stories and I truly love that for y’all, but not all of us are so lucky. This post is for the ones in need of ways to cope and deal in a relationship where the only thing in common is a child or children.  The ones who have yelled, cussed and then prayed because they are exhausted with the co-parenting relationship, and most days, have no idea what to do next. For the ones who understand the benefit of a child being able to have strong relationships with both parents, even if the other parent gets on your entire last nerve. This one is for us.

1. Set Clear Boundaries

One of the easiest ways for things to be unclear in a co-parenting relationship is to have no boundaries. Now sure, important things like court orders, visitation and child support help to put most things in place but that doesn’t cover it all. Both parents must communicate a level of expectations for parenting as well as what is needed for the child’s well being and growth.  Co-parenting is two parents working together to raise a child. Anything outside of what deals with or affects the child/children is quite frankly not your business. Stay in your lane.  

2. Choose Your Battles

Not everything is an attack. It seems so easy to look at the other parent as the enemy instead of a teammate. Past romantic history is often the culprit and rightfully so. But, not everything has to be an argument or even a debate. Find peace in realizing what actually deserves a response and gain the knowledge to know when things can simply be avoided. Find moments when compromising makes sense and do it.

3. Acceptance

Now let’s be honest. We chose the very person we are co-parenting with. Whether we were in a long term relationship or just a “situationship” we had an idea of who they were. We knew the ways in which we didn’t get along and those things don’t disappear when you become parents. They are absolutely amplified! If they were a liar when dating, they will probably be a bigger liar when co-parenting. It is necessary to get to a place of completely realizing who they are and expect nothing else until they show different. While we love growth, we know it is a personal choice and journey and we have no control over another person’s  growth.

4. Build a Village

Create a village of single parents in co-parenting situations. Choose those with great experiences and those with not so great ones. Allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to vent and speak freely about how you are feeling. I have been surprised to see how many of my experiences have been almost identical to members of my village. Support will create a safe place and help you to stay sane and out of jail.  Just kidding.  But not really. As you learn, become the person you needed in your most difficult moments and be that person for someone else.

As the primary parent, it can feel like an absolute slap in the face when everything is challenged or taken out of context. Moments of concern are turned into you nagging. Questions are sometimes met with hostile energy and/or attitude. But your number one priority is your child. Continue to choose what is best for your child/children and make use of these tools. Maybe one day we can move from hating co-parenting to just disliking it strongly.

As always,

Thanks for reading and keep growing !