“Knowing is Half the Battle” (Things I wish I knew at the end of my marriage)

A few weeks ago, Facebook thought it was important to notify me of a special memory. This memory had received probably more likes than anything I’ve ever posted (and I have been on Facebook since the summer before going to college). Yes, that was 2007, and yes I am getting old. But anyway, the memory was a 4 year old picture of a very pregnant me and my now ex husband. Smiles from ear to ear as we held a SOLD sign in front of our new home. It was the announcement to our family and friends that we had become homeowners and we were growing as a family and couple.

A couple of years ago the very sight of such a memory would have had me front row on a complete emotional rollercoaster. I would have spent a lot of time traveling down the road of “what if” and took some turns at “should’ve”, “would’ve” and probably even “could’ve”. I’d be trying to make sense of it all, while still trying to maintain my faith, and sanity. The journey of separation and divorce is a process of grief. You grieve the end of something you imagined would be forever. You aren’t provided with a roadmap of how to work through it all. But now, having been through it, there are some things I absolutely wish I knew at the end of my marriage/relationship. Here are some cheat codes:

You have to feel all the feels

There is no shortcut through this process. There will be days when you feel perfectly fine and other days when you’d prefer to just stay in bed. It’s ok. You may need to cuss one day and cry the next. Do it. You are going to need to experience all these moments and to allow yourself to get through them. There is a new level of grace you will need to give yourself. Be patient with yourself on your bad days and don’t become frustrated. There is no time limit. There is no moment when you are supposed to just wake up and be fine. Your process can never be genuine if you aren’t true to what you feel. No fake healing sis.

Girl that’s not baggage, that’s experience!

Approaching the age of thirty, separated, and with a one year old (at the time) didn’t seem so appealing. And in the midst of one of my many pity parties, I remember thinking to myself who would want me with so much baggage. How would I be able to navigate it all? NEWS FLASH: They are going to want you but you will now have the experience and knowledge to choose what is best for you. You are absolutely wiser because of your experience. That’s not just any luggage girl.

No need to be embarrassed

There is absolutely no reason to be embarrassed. So you had a big wedding and everyone told you that you and your ex were couple goals. Ok. I can remember the level of anxiety I experienced with just changing my last name on social media, and avoiding certain conversations just out of fear that someone would ask a question about married life. Don’t waste another moment not being honest because you feel embarrassed and don’t feel rushed into expressing your truth before you are ready. Relationships end. Marriages end. You are not the first to get a divorce and you most certainly will not be the last.

You are going to need your village….don’t do this alone

So remember the village we discussed in the last blog post? (If you haven’t read it, be sure to check it out). You are going to need that village. Villages aren’t only for raising children but for allllll support. And girl, understand not everyone can be included in your village. You need those who help build and speak into your life, and it may not always be who you expect. Allow those you trust to offer emotional support, because you will need it. Members of your village are going to try to get you out of the house and call more often. Let them. Connect with those who have experienced divorce, support groups if that’s your thing. Try therapy! Therapy is a great way to unload all you are feeling and to work through it all with someone who doesn’t know you or your ex. There is a tremendous amount of shedding and growing you will be doing and having support in doing so is everything. Shout out to my amazing village!

While grieving the end of my marriage, I wish I understood the importance of just allowing myself to sit in my emotions. Wish I had understood that talking to others didn’t mean I was being a burden but just needed to talk it out. Wish I was brave enough to not be so embarrassed about something far more normal than I knew at the time. Wish I knew the very thing that felt like baggage was just bags of experience. But now I know and “knowing is half the battle”.

Thanks for reading!